Ah, Halloween. The one night a year we practically encourage kids to dress up, knock on strangers’ doors, and beg for candy—the very thing we spend the other 364 days warning them not to do. Seems legit? Its a hard pass for me. But let’s be real: beyond the 513 reasons to not engage or celebrate, out here in rural land, we’re not exactly prime territory for a night of spooky sugar-fueled festivities. Here’s why:
1. *knock knock * “Who’s There?” Oh, It’s Just the Cows.
Out here, there’s no neighborhood cul-de-sac, no porch lights luring kids in with promises of full-size candy bars. Nope. We’ve got wide open spaces, maybe a barn or two, and a pasture full of cows who couldn’t care less about costumes (trust me, I asked). The idea of trick-or-treating when your nearest “neighbor” is a mile down the road is laughable.
2. Stranger Danger… Except Tonight?
Who came up with the bright idea of telling our kids “don’t take candy from strangers,” only to backpedal on October 31st and say, “Oh, but tonight it’s totally fine!” Hypocritical much? I’m not about to throw years of advice out the window just because “it’s Halloween!” You do you, boo, but around here, we keep life consistent.
3. Sugar + Kids = Absolute Chaos
If you’ve ever given a kid too much sugar and watched the aftermath, you know it’s like winding up Jojo the Idiot Circus Boy with a pretty new pet. Throw in a plastic pumpkin full of candy, and you’ve got a recipe for a full-blown kiddie carnival… minus the ringmaster. No thank you. I love my sanity too much to sign up for that. If you hate yourself, have fun with that.
4. Self-Costuming Is Overrated
Out here, we don’t exactly hit up the costume store. Even if we did dress up, our Halloween “costume” would likely consist of flannel, mud, and that wild-eyed look you get after wrestling chickens. Who needs makeup or fake blood when you’ve got real dirt and pure exhaustion?
So this year, while the rest of the world buys into sugar comas and silly costumes, I’ll be here on the homestead, saving myself a headache and a small fortune on candy that no one’s coming for. The cows agree—it’s just not worth it.
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